Saturday, December 15, 2007

Guest Blogger - Deirdre Martin

Others might be decking the halls and singing “Jingle Bells,” but for me, the holidays are a time when I could easily curl up in a ball and hibernate until 2008, or chug down a gallon of eggnog and go reeling down the street weeping, “Who is Good King Wenceslas, and why won’t he leave me alone?!”

I get the holiday blues. Over the years, though, I’ve developed some strategies to lift me out of Yuletide glumness. And since I’ve also learned I’m not the only one dreading December, I thought I’d share.

  • Go out in public dressed as an elf. People love it, though watch out for surly teens who may try to steal the jaunty felt hat from your head or snatch your pointy ears. This is why I always carry pepper spray in the waistband of my bright red tights, and sharpen the tip of a candy cane.

  • Personalize your snowman. So many are ho hum: same old carrot nose, same old lumps of coal for eyes. Why not make yours stand out in the crowd? Last year, my snow person was Angelina Jolie. I used discretely placed giant snowballs and a set of big wax lips. The twigs for arms were a nice touch, too. This year I’m thinking of an S &M motif complete with a leather mask and whip.

  • Create alternate lyrics to your favorite Christmas carols. Here’s my own version of “Silent Night”:

    Silent Night
    I need a flight
    Down below
    To kiss Russell Crowe
    He’s an Aussie
    Who’s sexy and tough
    Sure like to see him
    In the buff
    Christmas saying, “G’daaayyyy”
    Chriiiiistmas Day saying “G’Day.”

    And here’s my version of “Angels We Have Heard on High”:
    Rappers we have heard on high
    Singing sweetly for their peeps.
    And their posse in reply
    Hopes that bling is all for keeps.
    Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo
    Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo
    Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo
    Yo Yo
    Christmas with my bitches
    Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo
    Yo Yo Yo Yo
    Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo—
    Yo Yo
    Mutha Ukin’ Christmas Time.

  • Eat whatever you want. Candy canes for breakfast? Bring it on, sistah. Panetone for lunch? Hey, it’s got raisins in it. Screw this “Eat something healthy before you go to a holiday party, so you’re filled up and don’t pig out.” Take a holiday from eating healthy.

  • Don’t make snow angels. Make snow devils.

  • Perform an interpretive dance to “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” for friends and family.

  • Give nutty gifts, and ask for them in return. For example: I love religious kitsch, so last year for Christmas, a friend of mine got me a tin of New TestaMints. A few years back, I gave my husband a Winston Churchill doll. Forget about gift certificates, scarves, gloves, and iPODs. Go for the goofy.

  • Take two Christmas balls and turn them into earrings to wear at holiday parties. People will either praise your creativity, or leave you standing alone at the punchbowl. Either is good.

  • Make and break your New Year’s Resolutions now so that by the time January comes around, you’re ahead of the pack.

  • Get creative with fruitcake. Use it as a doorstop. Or hurl slices at the neighbor’s cat when it creeps into your garden to pee.

  • Make your own Advent calendar. Behind each window, put a pic of a hottie. December 1st: George Clooney. December 2nd: Johnny Depp. And so on. Save the best for Christmas

  • Quit being a self-absorbed sad sack and give to those in need. Bake Christmas cookies for a soup kitchen. Buy a gift to donate to Toys for Tots. Always works for me.

Hope you all have a wonderful holiday!


PS—Apparently, Good King Wenceslas was the Duke of Bohemia (now the Czech republic) who was murdered in 929 AD by his evil brother, Boleslav. He was an honest, principled king who braved a fierce storm to go out and feed a neighbor.

USA Today Bestselling Author Deirdre Martin is the author of five romances. Her next book, JUST A TASTE, will be in stores January 2nd, 2008. You can visit her website at:


robynl said...

Or hurl slices at the neighbor’s cat when it creeps into your garden to pee. I COULD USE THIS ONE QUITE OFTEN, LOL.
It does help to do things for others, doesn't it. Good suggestions for the duldrums.

Jennifer Y. said...

I LOVED the list!!!! I will have to share some of those with my family.

My 8-year-old nephew was cast as the dancing elf in his school play...wonder if I can convince him to wear the costume to the mall...hmmm.

And my family is used to goofy gifts from me.

And I LOVE the Advent calendar idea.

blessedheart said...

Great blog! I hope you have a very Merry Christmas!

Rhonda -)

Amy S. said...

Great blog post! Love the alternate lyrics. lol

Maureen said...

Very funny! So true that it can get overwhelming this time of year and a the best thing to do is to laugh at it all.

Cryna said...

This was a fun blog. And such good ideas, but I think I like the advent calendar idea and the alternate songs the best.

Stephanie said...

Fabulous list! I feel the urge to try a few of them out.

Happy Holidays!!!

Nancy Herkness said...

I'm starting on the Advent calendar right away...

Wendy said...

Fantastic list! I'm all for nutty gifts and Advent calendar! :)

tetewa said...

I also get the holiday blues and your post today put a smile on my face. I love the idea of the calendar.

Eva said...

I love Advent Calendars and great alternate lyrics :) Thanks!

Judy F said...

now that is an advent calendar I would love. Merry Christmas. Love your books.

Laura J. said...

Just wanted to stop in and say hi before I head off to make my "hottie" advent calander.

(my mom gives my husband and brother in law goofy gifts every Christmas. They expect them now. One year it was a belly button cleaner, last year a light up shot glass!)

Stefanie said...

Whahahaha, that is an awsome list. I like your idea for the snowman, lol.

Dee D said...

All the best of the holidays to you. Looks like Deirdre just helped me add a lot of things to my 'to do' list!!

Susan said...

I'm definitely starting an Advent calendar! I love your updated lyrics. lol

I have all of your books and have loved them. Can't wait to read JUST A TASTE!

CrystalGB said...

I love your list. Wishing you a happy holiday season

Estella said...

Awesome list!
Happy Holidays.

Amy said...

Great Blog. I had to share it with my hubby.

Pamk said...

rofl that was too funny. especially loved how you treat surly teens who would have though pepper spray and sharpened candy canes.

Jenn said...

Great list! Can't wait for "Just a Taste",love your books! Happy Holidays!

Cherie J said...

Great list! Your post helped lift up my spirits. Happy holidays!

catslady said...

lol what a great sense of humor!!

Nathalie said...

Good luck with the cookies!

Lily said...

Merry christmas... great blog!

Autumncat said...

Have a wonderful holiday season!

Stacy S said...

Great post!! I love your books. Hope you have a great holiday.

Angie-la said...

First, I do actually have an elf hat (with ears) that I have worn to Christmas shop. I draw the line at the striped tights, though.

And here I thought my DH was the only one who made up new lyrics to Christmas songs. I must say I enjoyed yours immensely!

And last, I have a dachshund named after Winston Churchill!
We call him Winnie...or Win.

deseng said...

What a great list! Goofy gifts? Hey I just bought my neighbors kids some great stuff at the dollar store. Also, I spied some fun things for the 8 year old to tease his sister and brothers with. I bought him a "fart" bag. The kind you put on a chair and makes a rude sound when you sit on it. Also, I bought him another one where you squeeze it and it makes a rude sound.

I absolutely love Advent calendars! I always forget to put mine where I can find it before the holiday comes though. Right now it is up in the attic with the Xmas stuff! Drat!

Have a great holiday!
Michele L.

Brandy said...

What a wonderful list! I, too, get a bit depressed during the holidays, so I may use these tips! *G*

Janie said...

I love your list